Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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