I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
