Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
My bed smells like the plague
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
