Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
