my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
