we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
