Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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