Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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