thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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