Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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