He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
