I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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