I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize