just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I think I sprained my soul last night
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Randomize
