New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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