we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
