College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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