I think I won the penis lottery.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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