please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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