Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
