Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
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