Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
birth control should be required to get into college
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
