wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Swine flu is the new snow day.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
