I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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