She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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