I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
