Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
