As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
