my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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