I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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