So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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