So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
