so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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