You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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