It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
