Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
