Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
