did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize