I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
