i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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