The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My ass is underappreciated
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
