I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She told me I should be a condom model.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
