I'm sorry my penis didn't work
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize