don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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