and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
