if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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