who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
