Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
