You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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