I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
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