Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
