What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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