I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
