Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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