Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize