life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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