All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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