your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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