If i come over, it means nothing
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
