I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
