She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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