his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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