I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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