I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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