haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
